Allie (iremainalone) wrote,

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jesus christ.

I guess I have no choice but to just vent here, because I have absolutly nowhere else to go.  Thats such a shame.


     Last night--the worst night of all 17 years I've been alive.  I feel so alone I just want to vomit.  But that helps nothing.  Nothing I can do or say can bring him back.  Nothing. 


It might not bring him back, but I need to just keep this journal entry as a reminder of what I felt last night and what I still feel today.  Good or bad, its still a landmark in my life.

So my mom and her sister went to a tarot card reading 2 weeks ago.  All the things they were told were completely irrelavent.  Then the reader drops the line "Your father will die in the fall".  A little worried and a little creeped out, they left.  After a bunch of talking, they realized it was probably inaccurate, that theres nothing to worry about. 

Yesterday was a fairly normal day at school, and I got a lot of compliments on my hair.  It wasnt any better or any worse then any other day.  Then I got home.  I was in the middle of voice training Brian and my brother gets a call.  My grandfather, my poppy, was being airlifted to St. Barnabus hospital in Livingston, being treated for burns on his body from his shirt catching fire while making tea.  They rushed out of the house to go pick up my cousins from school.  Thats all I heard then.  Without any idea what was going on, I sat and waited for my mother to get home from work so I could tell her.  She walked in the door and said "What happened?" somewhat hysterically.  Because I was so upset and with lack of better words to say, I said three words then never should have been put together to begin with.  "Poppy caught fire".  After she heard me say that and saw me begin to cry, she dropped her bag, threw her hands over her mouth and began to cry while screaming "Oh God, oh no, please God, no."  In a panic, she found the car keys and we rushed to go to my aunts where the whole family was waiting.  We pulled up in front of the house, I stepped out of the car practically in front of an audience, in tears.  The rest of the family sat there, crying, and hugging everyone else.  We walked to the door and plans were already being made.  My mom, her mom, her brother and her sister all got in the car and rushed to the hospital which is about 40 minutes away.  I stayed with my cousins at their house until we would get a phonecall regaurding whether or not we should go and reporting the severity of the situation.  About 2 hours passed and we got a phone call saying "Poppy is in pretty bad shape and its not looking good..".  In a panic, we all got in the car and drove to the hospital.  We rushed into the intensive care burn unit ward and I met with the rest of my family in the waiting room.  They were all sitting alone, in a different corner of the room, crying.  I ran hurried into the room that my poppy was in.  I slowly crept around through the door and saw something I'll never ever be able to forget.  My poppy sitting in a bed, comatose, completely wrapped in gauze and bandages except his hands and his face. His nose was burned, as were his cheeks a bit.  His hands and his legs were fine.  I immediatly ran back for the door, knowing I couldnt handle it.  Kiersten caught me and said "stay with him, allie..he needs us".  So I sat next to his bed and held his hand, which he would squeeze every now and then, from nerves I guess.  I cried longer and harder then I ever have in my life and was only able to get out 6 words "Poppy, I love you so much".  So I kept saying the same 6 words over and over, louder and louder each time, til I couldnt take it anymore and I ran out of the room and collapsed on the waiting room floor.  I suppose I had hyperventilated and collapsed, I'm not sure.  But I sat on the ground and cried for a long time.  His mustache was burned away and so were much of his eyebrows.  He had a tube down his throat and his eyes were kept shut with vaseline or something like it.  He must have been in so much pain, because I was told, by the time to paramedics came, he hadnt been able to put himself out.  So for the 5 minutes from when he called the police until the 5 minutes it took them to get there, he just lay, burning on the kitchen floor.  I cant imagine the pain he must've been in and I cant imagine the cries he made.  Maybe its better that I dont.  My grandmother, Nana, feels completely guilty, as it was the ONE day she had left him home.  As for her, she lay in the waiting room, unable to function due to her blood suger being too low.  She's diabetic.  She awoke a few minutes later crying out "Where's my George?  Where is my husband?", while looking at her wedding band.  I cant imagine what she was feeling. I'll never forget how she talked to her husband knowing it'd be one of the last times she'd see him.  She talked as if he could hear and respond, and I just cried while listening.  So it began getting late and we were all about to go home, until the nurse said "His heartrate is decreasing, wait an hour more and we'll tell you whats going to happen".  So we waited another hour and we were given the cue to go home. I saw my poppy one last time and told him how sorry I was I didnt spend enough time with him and how much I loved him.  He squeezed my hand a last time. We all agreed that my uncle would sleep there and in the morning we would all come early to the hospital.

I went home at about 1 am and fell asleep around 2 am, firmy believing that in the morning I would see him. I was awoken at 4:15 by my mom telling me he's taken a turn for the worst. I didnt have the strength to get out of bed, so my mom went by herself.  At 4:32 am, my poppy died.  All these things that have happened in the past few hours make me seriously reconcider the idea of a God.

Ironically, while he was making his tea, he was wearing his favorite hat, a fat that said "Worlds greatest grandpa", that my cousins and I bought him about 5 years ago.  Early this morning, my mom and her sister found the hat lying on the kitchen floor, half burned, and they buried it in the back yard. 


I miss him so much, already.

So my cousins are coming over right now to get together some pictures of us with our grandfather so we can make a picture board for the wake.  I think I'll stay in my room. 

To all my friends:

       If you want, and only if you want, the wake for my poppy is from 1-4 on Sunday.  I would really really appreciate if some of my close friends were there. I need you now more then ever. 


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