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[13 Feb 2005|05:04pm]

         Despite your psuedo bohemian appearance, and vague doctrine of beliefs, you know nothing about art or sex that you couldnt read in any trendy New York underground fashion magazine. prototypical nonconformist. you are a vacuous soldier of the thrift store gastabo. you adhere to a set of standards and tastes that appear to be determined by an unseen panel of hipster judges,
         Who give the thumbs up or the thumbs down to incoming or outgoing trends and styles of music and art. Go Analog, Baby! You're so post-modern.. You're diving face forward into an antiquated path, its disgusting. It's offensive..don't stick your nose up at me.
         You spend your time sitting in circles with your friends pontificating to each other, forever competeing for that one moment of self-aggrandizing glory in which your hoard the intelectual spotlight, holding dominion over the entire shallow, pointless conversation. Oh, we're not worthy! When you walk by a group of "normal" people, you chuckle to yourself, patting yourself on the back. Its the same superiority complex shared by the highscool jocks that made your life a living hell and makes you a slave to the competetive capitolist dogma you spend every moment of your waking life bitching about.
          Well, let me tell you this. I am shamelessly self involved. I spend hours in front of my mirror making my hair elegantly dissheveled. I worry about this, because I believe it will determine the amount of sex I will have in the future. I self medicate with drugs and alcohol to treat my extereme social anxiety.

I am proud of my life and the things that I have done.  I am proud of myself and the loner I've become. 

2 show me how to shine

[09 Feb 2005|11:57am]
[ mood | pensive ]

if I could put a label on my lifestyle it would be as follows:

not innocent until proven guilty, but guilty until proven innocent as is depressed until given cause to be happy, not happy until given cause to be depressed.

how fucking lame. 

I hate being lied to.  I hate it almost as much as I hate my cd's skipping and people only talking to me to ask of me to return their things.  I really fucking hate it. 

Want to hear a story?

Once upon a time, there lived a girl.  She was always very upbeat and outgoing.  But one day she found herself being harder to motivate and a little less enthusiastic.  She used to go to school in the morning thinking to herself "How nice!  A chance to see my friends!  How easy it is keeping up these good grades", but now finds herself asking "Why did I get out of bed today?".   One especially shitty day in January, this less than attractive girl walked up to her chemistry teacher and said "Mrs. Fink?  What's my grade?" and without hesitation, Mrs. Fink said "You have an 'F'."  The girl walked away, more pallour than usual.  Later that day she said "Mrs. Fink, is there anything I can do to atleast get a 'C'?"  and Mrs. Fink gave her a list that would take her days to complete and said "Here.  Do this and we'll see."  So the poor, poor girl walked home and sat in her room for hours, even days, on end working on her seemingly endless chemistry assignments.  When finally done, she approached the teacher and handed in all her late/missing/extra work.  The teacher was happy and so was the girl.  Later that week, the girl asked the teacher again "Mrs. Fink, What's my grade?"  and Mrs. Fink replied "A 'C'."  The girl was more relieved than she'd ever been, knowing her parents would have taken everything she loved away from her, and her chances of getting into her dream school would be greatly hindered on the occasion of an 'F'.  So the girl had nothing left to worry about.  About 3 weeks later, she get's a letter from the school.  What else, but her report card!  She opens it, and to her surprise.."Chemistry : F".  And what else?!  Comments?  A "great participation" and "shows improvement", no less!  From that day forward, the girl decided that she didnt like 'F's, and didn't like being lied to even more.  And so the story goes, the girl did not get accepted into NYU, lost her car, lost her driving privileges and couldn't see her boyfriend anymore.  And she lived miserably ever after.  The end. 




good fucking night. 

me how to shine

teenage love was underground [04 Jan 2005|08:12pm]
[ mood | inlove ]

I love you I love you I love you I want to see you I miss you I need you I love you I love you I love you. 



                  You    dont    do     it    on   purpose
                  But     you       make      me    
                  Now I count the  hours til you
With       your        babies       breath
Breathe                         Symphonies
                  Come     on      sweet    catastrophe



In vain, I blame my trembling on the cold air but I cant hide that I rely on you; like yellow does on blue.  You are my good feeling.  I'm kneeling inside a room, he paints me blue.  And you are my reason for breathing.   Ceilings dont exist and there are no floors beneath me and I just look on through my love and through the haze.

4 show me how to shine

[22 Dec 2004|09:30am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Hello, Mr. Shera. I dont think your a fatass. I swear. I like dunkin donuts, too.

3 show me how to shine

"Hangin loose with the one and only Big Mac. My tip-always eat with two hands" [16 Dec 2004|08:08pm]
[ mood | dirty ]

6:45 - wake up
7:08 - leave for bus
7:25 - get to school
8:24 - get severly interogated for posessing a flask (?)
9:30 - told I'm failing chemistry.  "try harder.  oh, and do your assignments"
10:45 - lunch with photo teacher.  told I'm failing photo.  "you've handed in 0 of your 10 prints, Allison.."
3:25 - get home and sleep because my day blew
5:45 - wake up in a mad rush to be on time for chamber choir
6:20 - get to chamber choir an hour late.  get in a lot of trouble from SanGiovani.
7:35 - go against all formal beliefs and purchase McDonalds.    I feel sick. 

I'm waiting for Brett to call me.  I've wanted to hear his voice all day.


tomorrow is the motherfuckin blood brothers show.  if you're able to find any logic whatsoever in the preceeding statement, please fill me in.  600 people can fit in Rexplex.  how many tickets were sold?  3,000.   yeah
I dont know either.

saturday- Brett.  all day.  not you.  except Lauren. AND KAMILA  Lauren, Kamila and Brett.  not you.

sunday - dunno, better reserve my time before I find something better to do. 


so now I go and do my hair, bitchesss. 



1 show me how to shine

[14 Dec 2004|01:11am]

 .  fucking greatest boy in all the world.  perfect. 


a little..high?  hehe. 


4 show me how to shine

[06 Dec 2004|03:12pm]
today sucked.
1 show me how to shine

jesus christ. [11 Nov 2004|02:48pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I guess I have no choice but to just vent here, because I have absolutly nowhere else to go.  Thats such a shame.


     Last night--the worst night of all 17 years I've been alive.  I feel so alone I just want to vomit.  But that helps nothing.  Nothing I can do or say can bring him back.  Nothing. 


It might not bring him back, but I need to just keep this journal entry as a reminder of what I felt last night and what I still feel today.  Good or bad, its still a landmark in my life.

So my mom and her sister went to a tarot card reading 2 weeks ago.  All the things they were told were completely irrelavent.  Then the reader drops the line "Your father will die in the fall".  A little worried and a little creeped out, they left.  After a bunch of talking, they realized it was probably inaccurate, that theres nothing to worry about. 

Yesterday was a fairly normal day at school, and I got a lot of compliments on my hair.  It wasnt any better or any worse then any other day.  Then I got home.  I was in the middle of voice training Brian and my brother gets a call.  My grandfather, my poppy, was being airlifted to St. Barnabus hospital in Livingston, being treated for burns on his body from his shirt catching fire while making tea.  They rushed out of the house to go pick up my cousins from school.  Thats all I heard then.  Without any idea what was going on, I sat and waited for my mother to get home from work so I could tell her.  She walked in the door and said "What happened?" somewhat hysterically.  Because I was so upset and with lack of better words to say, I said three words then never should have been put together to begin with.  "Poppy caught fire".  After she heard me say that and saw me begin to cry, she dropped her bag, threw her hands over her mouth and began to cry while screaming "Oh God, oh no, please God, no."  In a panic, she found the car keys and we rushed to go to my aunts where the whole family was waiting.  We pulled up in front of the house, I stepped out of the car practically in front of an audience, in tears.  The rest of the family sat there, crying, and hugging everyone else.  We walked to the door and plans were already being made.  My mom, her mom, her brother and her sister all got in the car and rushed to the hospital which is about 40 minutes away.  I stayed with my cousins at their house until we would get a phonecall regaurding whether or not we should go and reporting the severity of the situation.  About 2 hours passed and we got a phone call saying "Poppy is in pretty bad shape and its not looking good..".  In a panic, we all got in the car and drove to the hospital.  We rushed into the intensive care burn unit ward and I met with the rest of my family in the waiting room.  They were all sitting alone, in a different corner of the room, crying.  I ran hurried into the room that my poppy was in.  I slowly crept around through the door and saw something I'll never ever be able to forget.  My poppy sitting in a bed, comatose, completely wrapped in gauze and bandages except his hands and his face. His nose was burned, as were his cheeks a bit.  His hands and his legs were fine.  I immediatly ran back for the door, knowing I couldnt handle it.  Kiersten caught me and said "stay with him, allie..he needs us".  So I sat next to his bed and held his hand, which he would squeeze every now and then, from nerves I guess.  I cried longer and harder then I ever have in my life and was only able to get out 6 words "Poppy, I love you so much".  So I kept saying the same 6 words over and over, louder and louder each time, til I couldnt take it anymore and I ran out of the room and collapsed on the waiting room floor.  I suppose I had hyperventilated and collapsed, I'm not sure.  But I sat on the ground and cried for a long time.  His mustache was burned away and so were much of his eyebrows.  He had a tube down his throat and his eyes were kept shut with vaseline or something like it.  He must have been in so much pain, because I was told, by the time to paramedics came, he hadnt been able to put himself out.  So for the 5 minutes from when he called the police until the 5 minutes it took them to get there, he just lay, burning on the kitchen floor.  I cant imagine the pain he must've been in and I cant imagine the cries he made.  Maybe its better that I dont.  My grandmother, Nana, feels completely guilty, as it was the ONE day she had left him home.  As for her, she lay in the waiting room, unable to function due to her blood suger being too low.  She's diabetic.  She awoke a few minutes later crying out "Where's my George?  Where is my husband?", while looking at her wedding band.  I cant imagine what she was feeling. I'll never forget how she talked to her husband knowing it'd be one of the last times she'd see him.  She talked as if he could hear and respond, and I just cried while listening.  So it began getting late and we were all about to go home, until the nurse said "His heartrate is decreasing, wait an hour more and we'll tell you whats going to happen".  So we waited another hour and we were given the cue to go home. I saw my poppy one last time and told him how sorry I was I didnt spend enough time with him and how much I loved him.  He squeezed my hand a last time. We all agreed that my uncle would sleep there and in the morning we would all come early to the hospital.

I went home at about 1 am and fell asleep around 2 am, firmy believing that in the morning I would see him. I was awoken at 4:15 by my mom telling me he's taken a turn for the worst. I didnt have the strength to get out of bed, so my mom went by herself.  At 4:32 am, my poppy died.  All these things that have happened in the past few hours make me seriously reconcider the idea of a God.

Ironically, while he was making his tea, he was wearing his favorite hat, a fat that said "Worlds greatest grandpa", that my cousins and I bought him about 5 years ago.  Early this morning, my mom and her sister found the hat lying on the kitchen floor, half burned, and they buried it in the back yard. 


I miss him so much, already.

So my cousins are coming over right now to get together some pictures of us with our grandfather so we can make a picture board for the wake.  I think I'll stay in my room. 

To all my friends:

       If you want, and only if you want, the wake for my poppy is from 1-4 on Sunday.  I would really really appreciate if some of my close friends were there. I need you now more then ever. 


2 show me how to shine

uh oh [28 Aug 2004|03:50pm]
[ mood | numb ]

I do believe theres cocaine in my toothpaste.

6 show me how to shine

[19 Aug 2004|02:12am]
Do you know what they do to guys like us in prison??

So, its time for my monthly update. Today was an interesting day. I hung out with my MySpace friends Ryan, Dennis and Tim. It was a lot of fun. There was car accidents, parties, and a fuck of a lot of ginger ale. I met their rediculously interesting friends Tilton, Avi (spelling?),&&& big jay. It was a good time.

I think I'm having people over tomorrow night since my parents are going away. I think they will be there.

So, the song 'The Ghost of You' makes me cry everytime I hear it. It's fucking great.

My uncle had the surgery done and everything is going well. Thats a lot off my mind right there. He'll be staying in the hospital until monday.

My Chemical Romance is playing a show in NYC at Irving Plaza on Saturday, and I cant even think of how upset I'll be if I dont get to go. By the looks of it, I'm not. I wont sleep until I find a ride. I promise.

My new nickname is : Allieuka. Allie - yu - kah. If any of you have played street fighter, you should know what thats about. I personally dont like it. But I'll deal.

So now, being home is completely unacceptable. I cant stand living at home, being bitched at daily, being upset all the time, locked in my room listening to music on volume:max. I seemed to have made a second home at Sarah's. I'm here 98% of the time. And I like it, too.

School starts in about 3 weeks. Everyone is all excited about going back, I am definetely .. not. I absolutly despise school, and junior year is the hardest, I hear. HSPA's, PSAT's, SAT's, Colleges, Jesus. The only good thing I get out of it is a few new pairs of pants and couple new shirts. The once a year controlled shopping spree where I don't have to spend my money. It should be fun. Well, I'm done talking now, I have nothing else to say. Comment, bitches.

"We'll love again. We'll laugh again. We'll cry again & we'll dance again. Its so much better off this way. Never again. Never again, they gave us two shots to the back of the head and we're all dead now."
4 show me how to shine

[15 Aug 2004|12:03am]
[ mood | comment ]

this journal entry is here for one purpose, and one purpose only. for people to comment on. so..uh..comment.

5 show me how to shine

[07 Aug 2004|01:51am]
[ mood | sleepy ]

soo stolen from dani. If my life had a soundtrack, this is what it would be.

opening credits: 187 - senses fail

waking-up scene: this celluloid dream - afi

average-day scene: airbag - radiohead

best-friend scene: you know how I do - taking back sunday

first-date scene: sweetness - jimmy eat world

falling-in-love scene: for me this is heaven - jimmy eat world

dancing around on the bed scene: song for a mixtape - ataris

sex scene: dont go away - oasis

fight-with-friend scene: no I in team - taking back sunday

break-up scene: if ever I forget - letter to juliet

get-back-together:  she paints me blue - something corporate

fight-with-an-ex scene: lipgloss and letdown - a static lullaby

"life's okay" scene: champagne supernove - oasis

heartbreak scene: konstantine - something corporate

mental breakdown scene:  ghost man on third - taking back sunday

driving scene: lucky - radiohead

deep-thought scene: nevers a promise - fiona apple

flashback scene: the astronaut - something corporate

party scene: ballad of the lost romantics - new found glory

dance scene: feelin this - blink 182

stoner scene: climbing up the walls - radiohead

regret scene: the great dissapointment - afi 

long-night-alone scene: grace kelly with wings - piebald

crushed scene: jewel - foolish games

death scene: ruled by secrecy - muse

closing credits: lover I dont have to love - bright eyes

3 show me how to shine

oh my god [06 Aug 2004|02:19pm]




3 show me how to shine

mmhm. [01 Aug 2004|02:59am]
[ mood | artistic ]

Fight Club!

What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

4 show me how to shine

[25 Jul 2004|01:11am]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

I'm so glad I'm finally feeling better.  Yesterday, I've felt nothing I've ever felt before, and something I hope to God I never feel again.  It seemed as if I was stabbed in the stomache repeatedly and I couldnt stop myself from vomiting all morning.  I was so cold yet sweating bullets.  I was in such a daze, I barely remember anything else.  I was yelling and crying and screaming about the pain I was experiencing.  Robin could do nothing but just watch me throw myself around on my bed.  Her exact words were "It looked like the exorcist".  My mom kept trying to get me to the car to take me to the hospital, but I couldnt even stand.  For about an hour, I lost all my basic motor functions, then I finally settled down and laid myself down to sleep.  I woke up hours and hours later, in the most comfortable position on my bed, wrapped in covers and finally at a comfortable temperature. I cant remember ever feeling so relaxed in my entire life.  I sincerely pray I never feel like that again.  By now, I'm feeling, at best, normal and I hope I stay this way. 

Tommy is breaking up with Kiersten again, but this time I'm not feeling the hope I had of them getting back together that I had felt last night when they broke up for the second time.  He insists that he doesnt love her anymore, but in actuality, hates her.  He says she needs to lose weight. 
          Note:  Kiersten could not be more perfect.  Shes nowhere near overweight.  Shes beautiful, smart, and has given my ungrateful brother everything hes ever needed or wanted.  Frankly, I dont know how she can love him, with the way he treats her.  Kier, you honestly deserve so much better then this. Soon, he realize it was you that made his life what it's come to be and he'll be wishing for you back day and night. 

I've come to notice that instead of updating once or twice a day and in very small amounts, I tend to update more like..bimonthly, but with a lot to say.  If you're not capable of appreciating my entries, take them one paragraph per couple days and see how that works for you.  So stop bothering me to update more often.  :)

On a happier note, its about 11 days until The Curiosa Festival.  11 days until muse.  I'm suffering from excitement.  God, I hope I get there early to reserve a decent place in the crowd.  I should probably see if I'm able to get a few more days of work in so I can make a little spending money for the concert.  Hopefully they sell muse trackjackets.  That'd make me really happy. 

7 show me how to shine

dont look at the mirror at the face you dont recognize. help me. call a doctor. put me inside. [11 Jul 2004|11:59pm]
[ mood | cranky ]

I feel so alone. I havent talked to 90 percent of my friends since school is ended. I really hope that all summer isnt like this. Ashley, come back home! Robin, dammit, call me.

3 show me how to shine

I'll take the quiet life. A handshake. Some carbon monoxide. [11 Jul 2004|05:02pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

26 days left til Muse.

Maybe, just maybe, summer is beginning to get good..  The last day of work is tomorrow, so everyone should take the opportunity to come in and see me.  It'll be the only time I'll wait on one of my friends.  No more having to wake my ass up at 5 AM.  I'm contemplating getting  a new job.  Perhaps Ritas, or something.  I dont know what I'd rather do.. have a job and lose part of my summer and have money.. or just relax all summer and be poor..

                               I'm thinking I need a job..

So 26 days.  I'm so extremely excited. I can not wait.  I'm going to die when I hear them play stockholm syndrome. 

                   Do you think I should go to warped tour?  Comment.

I was supposed to go to 6 flags today, but the weather was really shitty, but NOW LOOK OUTSIDE. So damn beautiful. Next week = wildwood for the week.  Soooo many memories.  I gotta bring my Eminem cd, just for the sake of the past.   Ashley and Kristinas birthdays are coming up!  My little babies are gunna be 15 and 16!  They're growing up so fast..

And a very special Happy Birthday to my dear Jessie Paskerelli!  I love you! 

Everyone needs to go to KofC on friday to support Ryerson.  Theyre playing with Aspen It Is, who is a-w-e-s-o-m-e.  So see you there.  Well, I think I've said everything I needed to, so have a wonderful day or week or month, because I seldomly update. 

rest in peace-  sean mcgrath. 

6 show me how to shine

[27 Jun 2004|04:54pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Monday, June 21st.

            So school is finally over.  Its about time, too.  Today went by rather quickly since I cut the last two classes of the school year to go home with Karl, Eric, and Josh.  So we left school and went back to Eric's, which was fun.  Robby is a funny kid.  So we chilled at Erics until about 12, then Eric, Karl and I came back to my house for a bit.  We sat around, ate, sat around, ate some more then they left, rather abruptly too. I bet Karl is going to be awkward as fuck around me now, which agrivates me.  Right now, people are heading over to Jessies for her end of the school year party thing.  I think its in my best interest to stay home since I have to wake up at 4:45 to start my new job in Pequannock.  Anyone who is reading this, feel free to come up to Peppercorns Cafe til 2 to visit me.  Its right across the street from the Pequannock CVS in the strip mall.  I am the only waitress all summer.

              In other news, I finally got my Curiosa tickets.  July 31st will be a damn fine day to remember.  Muse?  The Cure?  Interpol?  Cursive?  Thursday?  Tell me thats not an amazing lineup.  I'm going baisically for Muse, but I definetely dont mind seeing the other bands.  I think Mike is going, too.  Robin better get her damn tickets SOON. 

           So school is finally over.  Now to move onto a job that starts 3 hours earlier  and gets out an hour later then school.  Awesome. 

5 show me how to shine

return. [12 Jun 2004|04:09pm]
[ mood | artistic ]

I think I'm back.

4 show me how to shine

the end. [24 May 2004|11:21pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

This will most likely be my last entry. I've grown tired of trying to fit my life in writing into yours. I'm just going to not give a shit anymore, because..giving a shit gets you nowhere. I'm sick of people being able to read about my personal shit. And I also hate the fact that I have to censor what I say because it'll probably offend someone. Its difficult to speak your mind under such circumstances.

So thats it.

2 show me how to shine

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